can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
