My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
