Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
