filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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