Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
