This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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