There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
