you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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