ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
