is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
