3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
