i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
