I got chris browned last night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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