if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
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She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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