Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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