So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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