Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
