glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I need a burrito and a hug.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
