you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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