after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
