i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
