I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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