Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
