He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
