Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
