I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Randomize
