guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
