i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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