Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
