hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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