My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
