after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
two words...techno handjob
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
