saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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