Pants 0. Shit 1.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
