Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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