I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
