I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
