I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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