It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
