i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
