I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
