$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
