smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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