get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
