My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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