I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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