this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
