can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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