I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
