I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I intend to get homeless drunk
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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