I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
