I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
