Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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