Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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