I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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