mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
