Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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