no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
