No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
