I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
