I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
