note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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