Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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