puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
