Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
